It’s true, there is a part of me that wants to get up and run as fast as possible, in the other direction from psychic breathing, breathwork, rebirthing.
Because sometimes it’s damned uncomfortable to even want to approach my emotional pain, let alone to confront my self image, my thoughts and what they have created and create still.
When I first encountered rebirthing breathwork I was living in a small town on the South Island of New Zealand’s west coast and was working on the land as a goldmine manager. I was living the dream.
Well, I thought so anyway: I remember having no connection to my body whatsoever, my relationships were painful and draining. The outside appearance looked very alive, but inside there was a tornado going on and I had an epic resistance to connect with it. I was afraid, I had enormous resistance to feeling.
In reality, I was in the tornado running around the outside, burning myself out. I used to put all my energy into running in the opposite direction from my uncomfortable emotional turmoil. And this only gave a tornado more weight, more speed and more energy. Every time I felt the courage or was forced by a messy situation to look inside, all I saw was the debris created by the spinning uncontrollable mass of emotion. Anger, separation, sadness and guilt on the inside produced blame, depression, anxiety, unhappiness on the outside. Soap drama at its finest moments. Classic, self-fulfilling, self-destructive behaviour.
Why would I ever want to go to there?
Are you crazy?
That time of my life gave me a gift: I realised that no one was coming to save me. The next distraction or drama or “must have” thing hadn’t saved me. There was nothing left. If I wanted any kind of peace of mind I had to be truthful to myself. Only I could save me. I had to take responsibility for all my thoughts and feelings.
Next thing I know, I was at my chiropractor’s waiting room, holding a business card of a Rebirthing Breathworker, who had her workspace right next door. I had no idea what Rebirthing Breathwork was, but what the hell did I have to lose? I was loosing anyway.
The lightbulbs started switching on in the dark recesses of my mind. Lighting up my truth.
Don’t get me wrong, I still have lots of resistance even after practicing and teaching breathwork for 30 years. But I know the quickest way to find my peace of mind, freedom and self love is to use the same tool that my survival mind used when I created those thoughts about myself and the world, when I was a vulnerable, fragile and innocent being, when I took my very first breath.
I use my breath.
I know for myself that I would never have found the gold in me If I had not found the courage to start digging in the muddy soil of my uncomfortable emotions. It took strength not to fight, but to surrender the righteous thoughts of my ego, the ones that lay hidden in camouflage like mercenary, killing off my joy, sabotaging my hopes and blowing up my relationships.
Yeah, it’s true I hate breathwork, it sucks to ‘have to’ take responsibility and change my thinking. But the truth is it made me a better person, a human being not a human doing, a grateful servant to human kind, where I am blessed with beautiful, sweet relationships, and the opportunity to guide others to become more of what they love about themselves.
I discovered that I love breathwork, it keeps me centred in the tornado of life. It’s just my Ego that hates it hard, wholeheartedly.